i've lost a whole year here.

[wow. i haven't posted in over a year. almost to the day. fail?]

fall is my favorite time of the year. it always has been.
it always marked new beginnings for me. there was a sense of change.
for almost 20 years, school started come fall. for me that was the real "new year."
it was time to buy new things, try new things, start anew.

but for the past couple of years, i only seem to get restless.
restless because there is no real sense of change anymore.
no new beginnings.
sure, the season is still changing but for me school is no longer in session. there's no looking forward to new classes, new pens and notebooks [and i am a sucker for school/office supplies], new opportunities.

so i'm making new changes and beginnings. making my opportunities.
as of last month, i've started created new little goals. new changes for each month.
some big, some small.
some silly, some life changing.

this month:
-go out on the town in a pair of killer high heels.
-blog/write more. [one down!]
-try one new fruit or vegetable.
-go for a walk at least twice a week.

so that's it. it doesn't seem like much right now. i'm excited for the little accomplishments and will hopefully add some tougher goals as the months go on...

So...

it might be the full pot of coffee
on the completely empty stomach
that's to blame but

i'm feeling a tad bit anxious today
about things...

knowledge.

breathe.

stretch.

shake.

let it go.

Monday...

...belly full of butterflies.

it's fixing to be a 180 up in this place. either plan A or plan B.

the announcement is this week. the job has been taken down.

it's game time.

i just don't know who's playing yet.

This is it...

I finally found you
in my dreams last night.
In passing, I was able
to throw my frustrations
in your face-
About your absence.
Your indifference.
Your lack of sincerity.


You stood still against
the wall eating
cupcakes, pink frosting smeared
along your mouth as I walked
out the door.


This is the only closure
I seem to get.

Counting...

Eight more days.

Tell me there's another beginning

somewhere other than here.

I don't want to go back.

True Story...

...We're surrounded by perfect endings, extra lives and reset buttons.

It's a terrifying realization to come to when it dawns on you:

you have no access to those things in real life.

Life:
You only have one of 'em.
Live the hell out it.