January is...:

Everything seems disconnected. As if there’s a gap between the here and then. The distance between the heart and the mind. Dissonance between thought and action.

There is a distance. Distance from friends. Distance from career goals. Distance from satisfaction.

I feel that I deserve better. I know that I deserve better. But I don’t know how to BE that better.

The scariest thing about life is that is goes on. It’s January. Lackluster. Glazed over. And full of misappropriated anticipation. I don’t yet have that job. I’m looking. And filing. But I don’t seem to be acting. I thought that this would be easier. But anything worth something is never easy. And I think that I’m realizing that. The trouble for me always lies within the realization and the follow through to participation.

But I seem to be paralyzed.

I have so much respect and awe for my friends who have made it. And not even to their top goals. But have made it past that first step. I think that I hold myself on such a high pedestal of expectation that I’m terrified of falling off that edge. So I stay clear. I stay comfortable.

Everyday I stay in my childhood bedroom is a step away from my adult life. I keep saying that I’m ready to move on. That I’m ready to leave.

But actions speak louder than words.

And I seem to live in silence.